Tales From The Crib

The healthcare industry uses a lot of euphemisms. You'll be familiar with many of these: A doctor will tell you "this may sting a bit," right before jabbing you with a six-inch needle. The warning label on your prescription will mention "some side effects," which might include stroke, heart attack or seizures. Getting a private hospital room might cost "a little extra," also known as half your annual salary.

I recently discovered a new one: "Enjoy your new family!" This seems to be the universal sign-off phrase for anyone who works on the maternity ward, or in the emergency department. Some examples:

NURSE: Now then, let's see... oh yes, boy, 9 lbs 12 oz, oooh a big one ... hard and fast labour... so how do we feel?
ME: Groanmumblemutterargh
NURSE: Ah, well that's good. Enjoy your new family!

Or:

DOCTOR: So what seems to be the problem?
ME: I haven't slept in two weeks, I'm running a fever, I have a migraine, I don't want to even talk about the stitches, I have a case of the shakes and...
DOCTOR: Hmph. I'll send a nurse in for some tests. Meanwhile, enjoy your new family!

Yes, as many of you know, I recently gave birth to my second child. And I am indeed enjoying it - when I'm awake enough to remember everyone's names.

My grandmother once said that "One child takes up all your time, so two can't take up any more." I took comfort in this thought, figuring that while running a business and raising my firstborn son was challenging, there might be some efficiencies to be gained in having another one. After all, we had all the gear already, we had some experience under our belt and so on.

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha.

It turns out Grandmother's Law is actually an inverse proportional relationship. That is, if one child takes up all your time, then two take up four times as much.

Part of the problem is that no two kids are alike. My firstborn hates taking naps, but doesn't sleep through the night properly if he doesn't get one. The newest addition eats like a horse; but if he gets too empty he's an incredibly burpy chap, and you end up spending so long burping him after a feed that it's soon time to feed him again. Yes, it's true - I have one child that doesn't sleep unless well-rested and another that doesn't like to eat on an empty stomach.

The other problem is keeping up with the housework. My toddler isn't a fussy eater, but has the uncanny ability to disintegrate even the moistest muffin into a minimum of 4,996,085 crumbs. I swear there is more muffin scattered around his chair than what I gave him.

Meanwhile, anyone who tells you that babies pick favourite foods based on texture is talking nonsense. They choose foods based on colour and range. Pureed carrots, for instance, when distributed with a good hard "Pthththththththb!", can spatter across 75% of the dining room and make a particularly giggle-worthy pattern on mummy's shirt.

I'm coping, mostly. I've developed a tidy-as-you-go approach to travelling through the house. Going through the kitchen? Grab an armload of dishes and herd them into the sink. Potty training? Scrub out the tub while waiting. I'm considering strapping mop heads to my shoes. I'm also thinking about converting to Hinduism, because the deity Shiva is often depicted with a second set of hands, and goodness knows I could use that.

For now though, I'm getting incredibly proficient in doing things with just one hand while holding the baby with the other. This column is a good example - I bett you didn't reaalize I typd it one-handerd. And as for sleep, well I'm getting a little and if I could ever get a chance to drink more than half a cup of coffee at a ..... zzzzzzzzz.

Snortmumblewah? What was I saying? Oh yes.

I'm enjoying my new family.
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