The Tooth and Nothing But the Tooth
There's nothing like becoming a parent to make you re-examine your values and start asking yourself the bigger questions. Things like: What is the meaning of life? Why are we here? And (when looking at yourself in the mirror and discovering more baggage under your eyes than Air Canada has ever lost): When did I get to be a 35-year-old mother of two?
In the United States, some school systems are embroiled in legal battles over a similar question: What about the origin of humanity? Some fundamentalist groups are advocating something called "intelligent design" which believes we are very complex beings that could only have been designed by a creator. On the other side are those who would prefer to keep the public school system curriculum secular and stick with teaching the scientific explanation, evolution.
Personally, I don't think either side has it right when it comes to explaining some of our features. Consider teething, for example. I'm sure every mother would agree that when it comes to nursing, the fact that babies are born toothless is very intelligent indeed. On the other hand, why does teething have to involve pain? It doesn't hurt to grow fingernails or hair or toes. And why, oh why, do babies only teethe at 3 am?
Babies also tend to put everything in their mouths. I do not understand how we still have this trait after thousands of years of evolution, as it's not very conducive to survival. Back in our cave days, a baby might end up grabbing and chomping a poisonous plant. These days it's even worse: he might grab and slurp his toddler brother's favourite Thomas train.
Then there's the waking up all through the night thing. In a way, having to settle your baby several times a night is much like using a computer. You get an error (crying), try to investigate the cause (usually no discernable reason), and reboot (pat him off to sleep). I don't know about you, but I can't think of a single person who thinks of a certain computer operating system as being intelligently designed.
Having a baby wake up crying in the night can't have been good for our ancestors either, as you're not likely to survive long if you advertise your position to the local wildlife. Plus being sleep deprived can make mothers do dumb things (like hand the bottle to the husband and the beer to the baby) or dangerous things (like cutting a sandwich in half and forgetting to move your finger). Or so I've heard.
Humans can't walk for almost a full year and so must be carried around. From a design point of view, this doesn't seem very smart ... unless the creator is also the patron saint of chiropractors, in which case it all makes sense. Humans can't talk very well for ages either, and so to an inexperienced cave mother, "waaah!" could mean "Feed me!" or "I'm tired" or "Look out! You are about to be stepped on by a woolly mammoth!" and she'd not know the difference.
Our feet do not seem to have been designed with, or evolved a protective layer against Lego bricks. We have only two hands to deal with four bags of groceries, a toddler, a baby, a purse, a diaper bag, and a stroller. And in spite of what our kids sometimes think, we do not have eyes in the back our heads, and darn it, that would be a really, really handy feature.
So what about our origins? Where did we humans come from? Clearly, there is only one answer:
We were designed by a committee. And at least one of the committee members had a very sadistic sense of humour.
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MAILBAG:
Hi Chandra,
I loved your column about designer cats. I grew up in a house with cats, and I must disagree with the comment about cats not being affectionate. They can be very affectionate when they want to, and on their terms. I checked out the toyger pictures. They're beautiful, but not $4,000.00 beautiful!
Thanks for your great columns. They always make me laugh.
Anne, New Hampshire
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Great article!!!!! I am a cat lover but also very allergic.
Leverta
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Chandra,
Thank you for the interesting article on the toyger. They sound absolutely great. But how do they taste?
Art
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FYI: While reading background info on your recent column, I came across the following interesting tidbit:
... chairman and founder of Allerca is convicted multiple fraudster Simon Brodie ... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allerca
It seems Mr. Brodie was involved in an earlier scam to produce ... hypoallergenic cats.
W Paul Connelly
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As always, dear Ms Clarke, you're very spot on,
Feline as you do that four grand is too quickly gone,
But let this old man moan with the conventional grouse,
And assure you that many more dollars are spent in a cathouse.
Leo
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Dear Chandra,
Sorry for being so late to add to a, I suppose a long, list of congratulations. Due to my erratic server I took for granted that your mail is blocked again. I missed you very much. I hope your both kids are healthy and as humorous as their mama.
Love Viorica
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Dear Chandra!
"Excellent" is the only word that comes to my mind immediately. Keep it up.
Affectionately, Sundaram
(a kid only 80 years old!)
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Wow -
Those cows [Have You Herd?]really do have unusual and different dialects. Have you heard of any North American studies concerning cow language? I'm positive that the cows I hear in Florida have a distinctive REDNECK pronunciation of moo. It comes out as a drawn out 'moooo, y'all'.
Being from Michigan, our cows talk pretty much the same language as yours do. We spend winters in Florida so I get to observe the local Suthernisms in all the critter's languages. Chickens sound different in the South as well. The crowing of a rooster is a long, drawn out wail, rather than a curt cockle doo doo!
Let me know what other studies you are into regarding North American bovines and or their Southern kin.
Paul Streur
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Some years ago, I read an article about the way various languages express the cry of Chanticleer, the rooster. We say cockadoodledoo, which is not exactly onomatopoetic, while the Dutch say
kukeleku; the Serbs kukuriky, and the Vietnamese O' o' oo" where the various dots indicate a higher or lower inflection.
I doubt that the birds themselves have regional accents, but it hard to find much on the subject on the net. Perhaps you could put out a call.
Art Haykin
Bend, Oregon
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